45+ of the Freshest and Funniest Tweets of the Week (March 9, 2024)

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  • 01
    Knockout Kiwi @KnockoutKiwi Babe, what's wrong? You haven't eaten your Croissantosaurus... 1:21 AM 3/1/24 From Earth - 1.6M Views . • 4.2K Reposts 365 Quotes
  • 02
    ugh ugh @ughfinewhatever being a silly goose? you mean delusions of gander? • 9:32 PM 2/28/24 From Earth • 66K Views 513 Reposts 10 Quotes 2.2K Likes 74 Bookmarks
  • 03
    audrey farnsworth @audipenny The leap day babies are wearing little frog hats LIVE LEAP DAY BABIES CURRENTS 57 tla.com San Clemente 63 ketia.com Oxnard 1:16 PM 2/29/24 From Earth . 6.4M Views 34K Reposts 2.3K Quotes MORNING NEWS 60 KILA Οι 62 10:06A MA
  • 04
    WHITE bug spray cody @aevris animal crossing dialogue dull as the heart of an unbaked brioche. 1d Mom now M Do you know what my new infatuation is? Celery! I just can't get enough of it. 9:30 AM 2/29/24 From Earth 1.7M Views . 6.2K Reposts 27 Quotes 77K Likes 1.5K Bookmarks
  • 05
    im Corn✩* @upblissed crying dawg if i won $800k from a disability case you would never see me walk again and she out here throwing TREES NEW YORK POST New York Post @nypost. 21h Mom loses $800K disability case after photos emerge of her winning tree-throwing competition trib.al/wrwjkBf I JUST CAN . 7:11 PM 2/27/24 From Earth ⚫ 12M Views www.activeennis.ie
  • 06
    James Urbaniak @JamesUrbaniak BEASTIE BOYS: I'm the king of the coast / There is no resisting/ LOS ANGELES SCHOOL FOR DENTAL ASSISTING LOS Bore Earn Very 11:32 PM 2/28/24 From Earth • 171K Views 368 Reposts 7 Quotes 3.7K Likes 76 Bookmarks
  • 07
    FREE EVAN NOW Andrew Ackerman @amacker Cleaning out my mom's house. Don't think I need this. BLOCKBUSTER MEMBERSHIP CARD www.blockbuster.com
  • 08
    in the pocket of Big Tenant @AllezLesBoulez Shōgun and Dune 2 releasing within days of each other... it's never been a better time to be a soulful white boy in a strange land 2:20 PM 2/28/24 From Earth • 4.1M Views 2.8K Reposts 150 Quotes
  • 09
    Callisto Roll @callistoroll Donald Trump visiting Japan in 1990 is the greatest thing you'll read all day. rue that to leaving yo. Una ked wont nese le THE ASPEN INCIDENT 249 at their December 1989 preconcert press conference in Atlantic City. & being upstaged by the same rock and roll band that insulted him For the next two days Donald suffers from an extreme case of jet lag Dressed in the same food. ("I'm not rumpled suit every waking moment, he takes t going to eat any raw fish," he rails.) T
  • 10
    derek guy @dieworkwear you can get any watch authenticated for free by posting close-up pics on a watch forum and saying arrogant things like, "You bums can't afford this." this will incentivize watch nerds to point out small issues that suggest your watch is inauthentic. if no one does this, ur safe . 7:04 PM 2/28/24 From Earth 467K Views 567 Reposts 40 Quotes 12K Likes 358 Bookmarks
  • 11
    kathleen @holdenfordfocus can the swifties who spend all their time hunting for easter eggs that aren't there with the fervor of jake gyllenhaal hunting the zodiac killer do something useful for once and figure out where kate middleton is 8:38 PM 2/27/24 From Earth 1.5M Views • 2.3K Reposts 129 Quotes ·
  • 12
    Oscaaargh @Skeleton Oscar Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen? Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted. 2:50 AM 2/28/24 From Earth 804K Views . 1.8K Reposts 67 Quotes 23K Likes 334 Bookmarks
  • 13
    youngmi mayer @ymmayer everyone's speculating on why kate middleton and king charles are out of the public eye i think the answer is obvious..they got freaky fridayed 3:42 PM 2/28/24 From Earth - 1.2M Views . 3.1K Reposts 118 Quotes 40K Likes 741 Bookmarks
  • 14
    TORONTO Mike Beauvais @MikeBeauvais Kate Middleton, no! 9:08 AM 2/28/24 From Earth 1.2M Views • 4K Reposts 250 Quotes 60K Likes 951 Bookmarks
  • 15
    paige hettinger @404paigenotfnd you really do have to wonder why there hasn't been a single photo of her for two months when they let this fly 8:35 PM 2/27/24 From Earth 1.1M Views • 1.4K Reposts 94 Quotes 34K Likes 870 Bookmarks
  • 16
    Adam @adamgreattweet Follow 600 you're not going to kate middleton believe where i found 9.17 DM 2/28/21 From Earth. 1 GM Views Post your reply ☑
  • 17
    Benjé @Sillysalesmanyo Beautiful name for a woman Joseph Campusbookstore @JosephCamp68003 San Francisco adulthotlove.com/ID0412 12:09 PM 2/28/24 From Earth 162K Views 554 Reposts 18 Quotes 7.3K Likes 145 Bookmarks
  • 18
    907 17 688 3.4K III 832K1 Jon @_jreynolds999 this dude looks like someone photoshopped his face onto his head 6:22 AM - 2/28/24 From Earth . 42K Views
  • 19
    Ben Yahr @benyahr What if we kissed in front of the immersive Willy Wonka experience poster EPEND 9:56 PM 2/27/24 From Earth 1.2M Views •
  • 20
    Emperor Bumblewank @CapableOfFlight PRE MA Zach B @Bencouvy. 17h A second Oompa Loompa has been spotted at the Glasgow Willy Wonka Experience
  • 21
    JustRandomThoughts @randomstuffxzxz Imagine showing this to someone a week ago ASCO KIRSTY PATERSON OOMPA LOOMPA WHO WENT VIRAL 8:10 AM 3/1/24 From Earth • 3.7M Views 12K Reposts 383 Quotes
  • 22
    Dok @Dok845 The thing that makes this so great is that it isn't that they didn't put in any effort, but that they put in the exact funniest amount of effort possible. Ben @bene25.22h This Willy Wonka story is incredible. What's going on here? What part of the film was this hahahahaha. + 71 B
  • 23
    tess @finalgrlcomplex We'll make so much money, give out chocolate, the kids will love it, I'll be willy, it'll be great. Aw yeah, and I'll be the unknown. What? The unknown, man. The evil chocolate maker that lives in the walls. What kind of movie were you watching? There's a movie? 5:06 PM 2/28/24 From Earth • 1.4M Views 7K Reposts 94 Quotes 60K Likes 2.6K Bookmarks
  • 24
    Robin Williams_Belt @RWilliams Belt So he's called the unknown and he's an evil chocolate maker that lives in the walls From Shanna MOET 闾 O 11:26 PM 2/28/24 From Earth 631K Views 1.7K Reposts 29 Quotes 31K Likes 753 Bookmarks
  • 25
    Ryan @Ryanmcc_9 They're slowly taking away the second amendment I see A Barstool Florida @UFBarstool.1d Add 3 legged bear to the Florida bingo card 0:08 7:41 AM 2/28/24 3.2M Views Ic
  • 26
    jon drake @DrakeGatsby I've had cereal for dinner plenty of nights, and lemme tell ya it wasn't to save money it was because of depression Daily Loud @DailyLoud - 23h Kellogg's CEO suggests people should eat cereal for dinner to save money Kellogg's TAMIN CORN RICE Kellogg's FLAKES RISPIES STED sin CES an thegalBG NET WT 0.81 02 (23g) NET WT O 10:37 PM 2/27/24 From Earth 86K Views 172 Reposts 5 Quotes 2.7K Likes 16 Bookmarks
  • 27
    Dan Credentials @CharlemagnumPI Me, deciding where to get lunch: Hmm, maybe that place that jacks their prices up at lunch NEW YORK New York Post @nypost-22h Wendy's planning Uber-style 'surge pricing' where burger prices fluctuate based on demand trib.al/ wOoqYjj BREAKFAST BACONATOR STICKS 4:32 PM 2/26/24 From Earth • 3.8M Views 4.8K Reposts 19 Quotes 96K Likes 1.1K Bookmarks
  • 28
    gaz @gazpachomachine just got 110 burgers from Wendy's. nice try but your surge pricing won't get me, I'm stocked up for the year TEMPERATURE CONTROL IS COLDEST LUS ABOUT YOUR VISIit GAM FOR CHOOSING WEHOY'S FOR OMAS Wendy's a proud to support the Deve Thomas Foundation for ALITY IS RECIPE NEW YORK POST New York Post @nypost. 1d The Original Wendy's planning Uber-style 'surge pricing' where burger prices fluctuate based on demand trib.al/ wOoqYjj BREAKFAST BACONATOR STICKS
  • 29
    Andrew Lawrence @ndrew_lawrence when i buy a baconator on the dip, short the sandwich at 12:15 and turn a 27% profit ALT 9:39 AM 2/28/24 From Earth. 90K Views 478 Reposts 14 Quotes 4K Likes 78 Bookmarks
  • 30
    chi @ChiThukral i think leap day should be a internationally observed holiday - you're telling me we get an extra day every FOUR years and we have to work?? that doesn't sit right w me Last edited 11:08 AM 2/27/24 From Earth • 1.8M Views 8.8K Reposts 331 Quotes
  • 31
    Baggins @EmmaTolkin Disney made FROZEN so that if you google "Disney Frozen" you have to go back like 12 pages to find anything about Walt's frozen head soul nate @MNateShyamalan 1d what's the lowest stakes conspiracy theory you have? i think airplane mode is a hoax because they don't want you texting your friends and telling them you're not having fun on the plane 9:39 PM 2/27/24 From Earth 409K Views . 664 Reposts 23 Quotes 9.8K Likes 371 Bookmarks
  • 32
    olive oil @hallloweenqueen just found out my neighbor is cheating on her partner while he's on a work trip (I'm pretty sure) and now I have an urge to put a little note under the door like "your secret's out, I know what you did" Imao should I do it? I feel like Nancy drew. I move out tomorrow anyway 11:59 AM 2/29/24 3.4M Views 1.5K Reposts 392 Quotes
  • 33
    america's lounge singer @KrangTNelson favorite ny apartment story was when my friend and I were looking at places in chinatown and the realtor showed us a bedroom with one giant bed and three nameplates above the bed that indicated the positions of the 3 roomates who shared the bed like they were donald ducks nephews • 10:15 PM 2/27/24 421K Views 975 Reposts 47 Quotes 19K Likes 591 Bookmarks
  • 34
    ashley ray ice cream mone... @theashleyray had a talk with my manager where i told him it's hard to do my job when i'm left off of emails/ meetings and he said "well when you're left out just let me know" and then i stared at him until he went "but if you were left out, you wouldn't know...." 3:44 PM 2/27/24 3.8M Views 2.6K Reposts 171 Quotes
  • 35
    tommy bayer @tommybayertime remember eating honey nut Cheerios as like a 7 year old and being like "my cholesterol is gonna perfect after this" be so | 3:14 PM 2/26/24.54K Views 96 Reposts 1 Quote 2.3K Likes 26 Bookmarks
  • 36
    erin chack @ErinChack i'd be soooo0 I if i were a bee and someone took all my hard-earned honey and put it in a container shaped like a bear. a bear is my enemy. you mock me. 12:21 PM 2/26/24 From Earth - 943K Views 2.7K Reposts 143 Quotes
  • 37
    southpaw @nycsouthpaw *olympic swimmer sized bong hit* -- JUSTICE ALITO: I mean, if your -- if let's say YouTube were a newspaper, how much would it weigh? . 6:38 PM 2/26/24 From Earth 1.4M Views . 2.1K Reposts 120 Quotes 28K Likes 1.1K Bookmarks
  • 38
    Malcolm Xcellent @J_Nova_Kane When you get a Zoom Invite, but it's just you, your boss, and Human Resources. • 7:49 AM 2/29/24 From Earth 1.3M Views • 3.2K Reposts 592 Quotes
  • 39
    lauren @Very_Regular every few months there's some new scandal about appallingly bad editorial or administrative decisions made by management at the new york times and they somehow still stay afloat thanks to the largely anonymous work of a world class puzzle team 8:03 AM 2/29/24 From Earth 263K Views 701 Reposts 27 Quotes 10K Likes 234 Bookmarks 27 ☐ ↑ lauren @Very__Regular. 4h if the puzzle team and the cooking section struck out on their own together, the doors would be shuttered inside of 18
  • 40
    abrish @cxrnerrstone february 29 isnt even a real date btw so anything you do today doesnt count. stay tuned for more life hacks 2:19 AM 2/29/24 From Earth • 2.3M Views 17K Reposts 1.4K Quotes
  • 41
    cindasmommy EEEEE @jayCMkay Administering an ELL screener to a 1st grader. Me: Do your mommy and daddy speak Spanish at home? 1st grader: My daddy cheated on my mommy with another woman. Me: Did they tell you this in English or Spanish? 1st grader: Both 8:05 PM 2/29/24 From Earth 1.4M Views 2.3K Reposts 310 Quotes
  • 42
    Lucy @LucyXIV you guys ever noticed that leaving the house costs 40 dollars now 9:47 PM 2/28/24 From Earth 2.2M Views • 4.3K Reposts 461 Quotes 58K Likes 1K Bookmarks
  • 43
    rachel @rachelnufc_ Being quadruplets AND born on the 29th of February feels extremely attention seeking Mirr The Mirror @DailyMirror - 12h or Leap year quadruplets celebrate 'third' birthday - 12 years after birth mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/l... RIDE 36011 10:33 AM 2/29/24 From Earth 3.8M Views 9.5K Reposts 112 Quotes
  • 44
    kyle @knicks_tape99 Matsui teammates didn't know he was engaged so he once bet Bobby Abreu and Derek Jeter he would get married before them and won the bet like a week later Norm Charlatan @normcharlatan • 12h I prefer Hideki Matsui's wife announcement where he proudly displayed a hand-drawn sketch of his bride. x.com/the_japan_news... 12:13 PM 2/29/24 From Earth 997K Views • 427 Reposts 15 Quotes 11K Likes 318 Bookmarks
  • 45
    ANIELS Lilluvbug X Leem5st @Lil_Hass I can't be a security guard cause soon as somebody say let me bring my gun in for $200, that gun goin to be right in the party 4:09 PM 2/29/24 From Earth • 1M Views 2.6K Reposts 944 Quotes
  • 46
    Borey @GoToBedRory *God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest* probably could've just made that one a mollusk 9:50 PM 2/29/24 From Earth - 70K Views 290 Reposts 4 Quotes 2.7K Likes 83 Bookmarks
  • 47
    erin chack @ErinChack google maps should not count towards my screen time. i'm not addicted to my phone im disoriented 3:11 PM 3/1/24 • 5K Views 16 Reposts 192 Likes 1 Bookmark
  • 48
    janea @heyyitsjanea a show called "Say that Again" where the people behind faceless accounts are confronted by the ppl they talk to 1:38 PM 2/28/24 From Earth 1.5M Views 7.8K Reposts 802 Quotes

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